Humor

Kulula Announcements, A Bar in AZ & Media Reporting

  

KULUA FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS

 Kulula is an Airline in Johannesburg. Its attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

 On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,  “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

 —o0o—

On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said,  “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

 —-o0o—

On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

 —-o0o—

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

 —o0o—

“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

 —o0o—

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:  “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

 —o0o–

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

 —o0o—

From a Kulula employee:  “Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

 —o0o—

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

 —o0o—

“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

 —-o0o—

“Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

 —o0o—

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses..”

 —o0o—

And from the pilot during his welcome message:  “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

 —o0o

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,  “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

 —o0o

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,  “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

 —o0o

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

 —o0o

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline”. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,

“Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”  The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

 —o0o

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain C rash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..”

 —o0o

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement:   “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”

 —o0o

Heard on a Kulula flight:  “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”

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  A BAR IN ARIZONA 

A man is sitting in the Mat’s Saloon in Prescott, Arizona , and was far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, “Obama is a horse’s ass.”  

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out. He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.  

Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says “She is a horse’s ass too!”

 Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

 He gets back up and looks at the bartender, “I take it this is Obama country?”  “Nope, replies the bartender, “Horse country.”

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  THE BIKER, AS REPORTED IN THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA…

 

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.  Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter, addressing the Harley rider, says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”  The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really.  The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed.  I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page.  So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”  The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”  The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:  

” U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH ! “

…and THAT pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.

 

 

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