Humor

End-of-the-year humor…

 

 

<<< Fractured News Paper Headlines >>>

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says”
Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chain Saw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

 

 

 

 

Ouch!  The United States Navy will never admit it…

 

 

This is the actual radio conversation (released by the chief of naval operations) of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

 

CANADIANS: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision”

AMERICANS: “Recommend YOU divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision”

CANADIANS: “Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision”

AMERICANS: “This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course”

CANADIANS: “No, I say again, you divert your course”

AMERICANS: “This is the Aircraft Carrier USS LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that’s one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship”

CANADIANS: “This is a LIGHTHOUSE. Your call

 

 

 

The ‘Three SCOTTISH Kick Rule’

 A Glasgow lawyer went duck hunting in rural Aberdeenshire . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

 As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

 The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”  The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Scotland and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

 The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Mintlaw. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’  

 The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”  The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”  The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!  His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

 Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.  Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old geezer. Now it’s my turn.”  The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up.  You can have the duck.”

  

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