Humor

Humor for 2/10: Facebook and Winter!

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…..  When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twitterific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying and rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship…
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and, while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me…

We senior citizens don’t need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

 

 

THE LOST CHURCHES OF NEW YORK AND NEW JERSEY

When devastating hurricane Sandy struck the East Coast, even houses of worship were not spared.  A local television station interviewed a woman from New York’s Harlem area and asked how the loss of churches in the area had affected their lives.  Without hesitation, the woman replied, “I don’t know ’bout all them other peoples, but we haven’t gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye’s.”  The look on the interviewer’s face was priceless.  They live among us, AND THEY HAVE VOTED.  Now do you understand why we still have our president?

 

Winter in the snow belt!

On a cold winter morning…

….Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Alberta . He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

And then, there is this:

On a bitterly cold winter’s morning a husband and wife in the North Hills of Pittsburgh were listening to the radio during breakfast.  They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.  You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snowplows can get through conveniently”.  So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”  The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ” Then the power went off. . . . . . . .!   The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do.   Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied,  “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”

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