Humor

Murphy, Facebook & Survivor – Texas Style

 

Murphy and the Ten Commandments…

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.  After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, ” Murphy , I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn ‘s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn ‘s hat.  What changed your mind?”  Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn ‘s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?”  Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

If I’m Over 50 Should I Join Facebook?

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.  I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.  I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.  I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.  I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.  I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.  I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.”  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me.  She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.  Then if I made a right turn instead.  Well, it was not a good relationship…

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.  We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me.  They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.  You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.  I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

We senior citizens don’t need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

 

 “Survivor – Texas Style”

Due to the popularity of the “Survivor” TV show, Texas is planning to do one entitled: “Survivor – Texas-Style!”  The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas.  Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 15 bumper stickers which will read:

1. “I’m A Democrat”
2. “Amnesty For Illegals”
3. “I Love The Dixie Chicks”
4. “Boycott Beef”
5. “I Voted For Obama”
6. “George Strait Sucks”
7.”Re-elect Obama In 2016″
8. “Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor”
9. “Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born”
10. “I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer”
11. “Barney Frank Is My Hero”
12. “I Side With Jane Fonda”
13. “It’s Bush’s Fault”

14. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion” and the last sticker is…
15.”I’m Here To Confiscate Your Guns”

 

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

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