Humor

Lost Mates, Tech Support & the Vet

Two Guys Looking for Their Mates…

 

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.  The old guy says to the young guy,   “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”  The young guy says,  “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence.  I’m looking for my wife, too.  I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”  The old guy says, “Well,  maybe I can help you find her.  What does she look like?”

The young guy says,  “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom, .wearing no bra, has long legs, and is wearing short shorts.  What does your wife look like?’  To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

 

 

Computer Technical Support

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s
still on my desk… sorry…

Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
Tech support: Would you click on “start” for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not
Bill Gates.

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every
time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the
printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer
still says he can’t find it…

Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.

Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back..
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work…

Tech support: Your password is the small letter “a” as in apple, a
capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen
saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it
disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.”
And last but not least…
Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: “P”…..on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

The Very Successful Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.  “Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.  “Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful.  But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this?  How much does he send you?”  The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”  The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very Successful; what does he do for a living?”   “He is a veterinarian,” she answered.  “That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said.  “Where does he practice?”  The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada.  He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno”.

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