Humor

No more Kroger & Radical Muslim Issues

 

A Retiree’s Last Trip to Kroger

Yesterday I was at my local Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Kroger won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

How Men and Women Record Things in Their Diaries.

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:

A two-foot putt! Who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?

 

 

A look at Radical Muslims:

 

Where are they are not happy?

They’re not happy in Gaza, Egypt, Libya, Morocco, Iran, Iraq,

Yemen, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Syria or Lebanon.

So, where are they happy?

They’re happy in England, Canada, Australia, France, Italy, Germany, Sweden, the USA, Norway, Holland, and Denmark.
Basically, they’re happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is!

And who do they blame?

Not Islam.

Not their leadership.

Not themselves.

They blame the countries they are happy in!

And then they want to change those countries to be like the country they came from where they were unhappy. Excuse me, but I can’t help wondering, how damn dumb can you get?

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence:

No Christmas

No television

No nude women

No football

No pork chops

No hot dogs

No burgers

No beer

No bacon

Rags for clothes

Towels for hats

Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

More than one wife

More than one mother-in-law

You can’t shave

Your wife can’t shave

You can’t wash off the smell of donkey

You cook over burning camel dung

Your wife is picked by someone else for you

Your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better?

Well no kidding Sherlock. It’s not like it could get much worse!

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