Humor

A New Republican & New Navy Fleet

 

<<< Welcome to the Republican Party >>>

I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President. Then I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?” She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”Her parents, liberal Democrats, beamed with pride.

‘Wow, what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, sweep walks, pull weeds, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a house.

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? ‘ I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’

Her parents still are not speaking to me.

 

News Release Regarding New Navy Destroyers

The Department of Defense (DOD) is proud to announce a new fleet of Class 69 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships USS Daring and USS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intense pressure from the Administration, renamed them USS Cautious and USS Prudent.

The next five ships are to be USS Empathy, USS Circumspect, USS Nervous, USS Timorous and USS Apologist. Costing $850 million each they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health and safety and human rights laws. The U.S. Navy fully expects any future enemy to be decent and to comply with the same high standards of our behavior.

The viewer friendly stacks will be painted in the “gay pride” colors. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counselors and lawyers will be on board, as will a union representative for each of the trades on board.

The crew will be 50%/50% men and women and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 40 hours per week as per union rules on working hours, time and a half for overtime and double time on Sundays and holidays, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward and a gay disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes. Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by “Hi there Sailor”. All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages. Crew members will now have permission to grow beards and/or mustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

A majority of Senators have suggested a “non-specific” flag because the current “Stars and Stripes” may offend some Nations during port calls.

The newly re-named USS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Muslim cleric from the Washington DC Mosque who will detonate a small explosive device near the hull. As she will gently slide into the sea the Marines Corp Band will play “In the Navy” by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on the East coast. The President said, “Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from the U.N.” His final words were, “I told you there would be “CHANGE!”

 

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