One Word-for-Word Translation + Meet My Dog
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…(A story from one of our UPDATE subscribers.)…
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given a brochure by the hotel. It is priceless.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. It has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Getting There: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The Hotel: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed: Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above All: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
Meet My Dog…
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head…
I think my dog is a politician.