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The Redneck Exam + The Bad Parrot

Take the Redneck Exam!

I, for one, am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South and I challenge any so-called “smart” Yankee to take this exam:

  1.  Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum..
  2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

(A) ’65 Ford Fairlane                    (B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle                       (C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

  1.  If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
  2.   A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2,700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser’s will be
  3.   drunk before all the trees are cut down?
  4.   A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be  killed?
  5.   A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their
  6.   electric appliances to sit out front?
  7.   A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a  muffler?
  8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town, which has been bypassed by the Interstate, to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that this test was gonna be an easy one, didn’t ya? It’s okay if y’all didn’t do all that well. Just goes to show ya there’s a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don’t prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the “RED NECK EXAM” here’s some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece: Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

 

Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

 

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

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